December has started. End of year, Christmas season. In the previous years, I was always falling into a sad mood when the Advent season was about to start. The memories of colorful decorated Christmas trees, cups filled with steaming hot wine and temptingly smelling quark pastry that is sold on Christmas markets were causing heavy attacks of homesickness every single year. While being surrounded by tropical 35°C I was longing for nose-biting frostiness and candle nights with my family. But this year I don´t want to suffer of homesickness. This year I´m going to fly home to Germany with my family and experience everything live. Yeah!
Last time I celebrated Christmas in Germany is 5 years ago, the second last time even 11 years! I feel it´s about time. But it´s not like that I haven´t celebrated Christmas in the previous years. I did – just in a slightly different way: On tropical afternoons and while being surrounded by mosquito swarms I baked cookies with my children. I decorated the kitchen table with traditional Christmas handicraft from the Ore Mountains (the area where I come from in Germany): Candle arch, incense smoker, Advent wreath. And on Christmas Eve we fired up the BBQ grill and enjoyed steaks and Indonesian satay sticks with a cool beer among friends. All this was wonderful although I´ve always had a hard time to raise cozy festivity feelings in the pouring tropical rain…
Since already 15 years I have been living in Indonesia. During my studies I met my husband there and we became a family with 2 children. Today, we live a culturally mixed life in Yogyakarta on the island of Java. We do not only celebrate Christmas but also the Muslim Eid Fest, the Buddhist Vesak and Chinese New Year.
Christmas, however, is especially for me something really special. Not for religious reason, as a typical East German “Zonenkind” I have never been to church. For me Christmas stands for time within the family circle. For pausing and calming down in a hectic millennium. It also stands for traditions – something I can return to in a world that changes faster and faster.
That´s why I was excited like a child as my flight ticket arrived in my email box a couple of months ago. Finally! Finally there will be snow again (hopefully) and candlelight in my parent´s house and basketsful of colorful cookies… To be honest, I was aware that my Christmas memories have been quite distorted and romanticized during the last 5 years. Short before our departure I therefore started asking myself with an uneasy feeling in my stomach: How will it be like to come home for Christmas after such a long time of abstinence?
Home – familiar and strange
After having been in Germany for 2 weeks I know that “Coming home for Christmas” feels like always when coming home to the place where I grew up in Saxony. Hoarfrost on wintery branches, shining stars in windows and the scent of freshly baked bread are very familiar to me. On the one hand. But on the other hand, all this feels like as if it came from a different world. Has the winter sun always shined so beautifully golden? Strange, how few people there are in the streets… And have the Germans always been so friendly? I mean, strangers greet me in the city or the middle of nowhere for no reason… Have the Germans always been that unfriendly? How many dark faces I have looked into only in the first 2 weeks?
I don´t know it anymore. To me it seems that my home country has changed because it is so different than in my memories. But it is not Germany that has changed. It´s me who has changed.
“Those who carry images of exotic places and experiences with people from different cultures in their heart will never look at their home country with the same eyes than before.”
The longing for another place always accompanies you
It is the dilemma of all those who once have headed off to see the world. Those who have surrendered to their wanderlust and traveled to foreign countries or lived at far continents, those who carry images of exotic places and experiences with people from different cultures in their heart will never look at their home country with the same eyes than before. Well, such a personal change is often intended and sometimes even the reason for many people to go abroad. You learn new languages, act dexterously with different cultures, get the bigger picture and develop lots of survival skills. However, the realization that the change also touches identity-establishing parts of your personality can be quite hurtful. For example when coming home at the Christmas season.
If once you have left home, the longing for another place will always accompany you – and does it with me: When I´m in Indonesia I´m often dreaming of being back home, of the four seasons, the German daily life, traditions such as Christmas. But when I´m in Germany I´m quickly realizing that the years abroad have turned me into another person. As hurtful as it feels: I feel foreign in my own home country. And quickly I´m realizing how the wanderlust is arising again. Many people that live and work abroad, many of the global nomads or international experts deal with similar issues. Uncountable blog posts written by expats or digital nomads discuss the pros & cons of living globally, the meaning of home, the loss of and search for identity.
A topic that also never loses its relevance for me. And this not only because it is my job as psychologist and intercultural trainer: Helping people that live abroad to deal with different cultures. But let´s be honest:
Is it really that bad to not feel completely home in the country where you come from originally? To experience Christmas “at home” partly as an alien?
I say: No, not really. Not least the being-strange feeling at whatever place is something that feels ironically familiar. I think that feeling strange at home is actually nothing else than a new experience. And if you engage with new experiences they can become really exciting. They do exactly that what I was looking for as I left Germany in my early twenties: They open my mind. And even though it hurts sometimes: They are worth a mint!
Have you made similar experiences? How do you feel when traveling home for Christmas, the Eid Fest or the biggest holiday of your culture? Please share your experiences by leaving a comment below. I´d love to hear from you.
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